As many of you know I am doing my Steiner Teacher Training right now. One of the modules we study is called Life Phases. After doing some extremely interesting readings on 'The Spiritual Rhythms in Adult Life' (amongst others), we are expected to write a biography (based on hundreds of questions) of our life from our birth to present day.
Pages and pages of me... stream of consciousness...
Sometimes fun, often times confronting, very much exhausting squeezing it all out of me...
I finished the bones a few days ago. Now I must start on my 'reflections'.
So I began to re-read what I had written and here is a snippet I found today that I thought you all may be interested in, I certainly was:
"Inner Conflicts (age 28-35)
At 29 I went from being vegetarian for 4 years without exception and raising my children vegetarian in a very stubborn (but healthy) and headstrong way, to cooking and serving meat to my family.
I made the decision almost a year ago and I still feel the heavy weight of that choice and the sting from the slap in the face that was this change. If ever I felt sure about one of my beliefs it was vegetarianism... and then one day, I just let it go.
The whole experience has been so humbling. I feel like I can’t act like an authority on much any more as perhaps one day my opinion might change.
Although we still eat a largely plant based diet and the meat we do consume at home is organic and ethically labelled, there is still a huge difference between being vegetarian and the eating ethics we currently prescribe to. For me, the act of killing was the number one reason not to eat meat. I believed if I couldn’t do it myself I didn’t have the right to eat it. I also thought that the world could never be peaceful if we continued to eat meat- as it is a violent way of living. I wanted to believe in the possibility of Eden, of world peace - whatever you want to call it - and I thought one of the best (and easiest) ways of being the change you wish to see in the world was to be vegetarian.
But then something in me switched. My daughter was diagnosed with a slew of food allergies and all of a sudden our already restricted diet was becoming even more restricted. I had to make a decision to either raise an essentially vegan child or start feeding her meat. I did a lot of reading, soul searching, crying... but I wanted what was best for her. Even though I felt so ashamed and embarrassed to tell people I had made the switch, I just didn’t feel right raising my child on a purely plant-based diet. I also started to embrace a darker side to the world. I took comfort in the fact that creation and destruction are inseparable, that vegetables cannot thrive and grow without blood and bone, that I could make powerful and ethical consumption choices without having to label myself as a this or that.
Since then I have become quite quiet about my opinions regarding anything - education, eating, raising children, breastfeeding- things that usually got me all riled up and that I often spent hours debating with parents or in-laws or my husband about.
I also almost completely stopped blogging after writing every single day for 2 years. I was just so emotionally shattered by the choice and the psychological consequences it had on my identity. I’m so afraid to hold blindly to another belief and to voice it to the world only to change my mind again later. "
An explanation of sorts.
I seem to have lost my voice. I'm not going to stop writing but I am still in search for what it is I want to share.