Monday, August 13, 2012

a very honest explanation...

As many of you know I am doing my Steiner Teacher Training right now. One of the modules we study is called Life Phases. After doing some extremely interesting readings on 'The Spiritual Rhythms in Adult Life' (amongst others), we are expected to write a biography (based on hundreds of questions) of our life from our birth to present day. 

Pages and pages of me... stream of consciousness...

Sometimes fun, often times confronting, very much exhausting squeezing it all out of me...

I finished the bones a few days ago. Now I must start on my 'reflections'.

So I began to re-read what I had written and here is a snippet I found today that I thought you all may be interested in, I certainly was:

"Inner Conflicts (age 28-35)

At 29 I went from being vegetarian for 4 years without exception and raising my children vegetarian in a very stubborn (but healthy) and headstrong way, to cooking and serving meat to my family

I made the decision almost a year ago and I still feel the heavy weight of that choice and the sting from the slap in the face that was this change. If ever I felt sure about one of my beliefs it was vegetarianism... and then one day, I just let it go. 

The whole experience has been so humbling. I feel like I can’t act like an authority on much any more as perhaps one day my opinion might change.

Although we still eat a largely plant based diet and the meat we do consume at home is organic and ethically labelled, there is still a huge difference between being vegetarian and the eating ethics we currently prescribe to. For me, the act of killing was the number one reason not to eat meat. I believed if I couldn’t do it myself I didn’t have the right to eat it. I also thought that the world could never be peaceful if we continued to eat meat- as it is a violent way of living. I wanted to believe in the possibility of Eden, of world peace - whatever you want to call it - and I thought one of the best (and easiest) ways of being the change you wish to see in the world was to be vegetarian. 

But then something in me switched. My daughter was diagnosed with a slew of food allergies and all of a sudden our already restricted diet was becoming even more restricted. I had to make a decision to either raise an essentially vegan child or start feeding her meat. I did a lot of reading, soul searching, crying... but I wanted what was best for her. Even though I felt so ashamed and embarrassed to tell people I had made the switch, I just didn’t feel right raising my child on a purely plant-based diet. I also started to embrace a darker side to the world. I took comfort in the fact that creation and destruction are inseparable, that vegetables cannot thrive and grow without blood and bone, that I could make powerful and ethical consumption choices without having to label myself as a this or that.

Since then I have become quite quiet about my opinions regarding anything - education, eating, raising children, breastfeeding- things that usually got me all riled up and that I often spent hours debating with parents or in-laws or my husband about. 

I also almost completely stopped blogging after writing every single day for 2 years. I was just so emotionally shattered by the choice and the psychological consequences it had on my identity. I’m so afraid to hold blindly to another belief and to voice it to the world only to change my mind again later. "

An explanation of sorts.

I seem to have lost my voice. I'm not going to stop writing but I am still in search for what it is I want to share.

Until then yours in love and appreciation for your readership and support over the past three years.

xo m.


Anonymous said...

Please keep sharing! Your posts are inspirational. Thank you!

arwen_tiw said...

I wanted to pop in and say, I don't know how comforting it is right now, but this past year I have started reading and following your beautiful family again - BECAUSE you have gone through/are going through this time of doubt.

Not that I like you feeling bad! But that I stopped following a while back when I was questioning and letting go of a whole lot of "absolutes" of my own. It wasn't an easy emotional time for me, and you seemed to have everything so figured out I couldn't stop comparing and doubting.

And now I feel like the grace you have in the face of your own doubts is so authentically beautiful and loving, you make me feel at home here. Please please don't stop sharing. You don't have less to say just because you are changing, if anything you have more.

(And I find reading some of my earliest blog entries pretty embarrassing after six years and two children's worth of changes of viewpoint!)

Lina said...

Ohh I'm sorry you feel that way, I just discovered your blog and found it very inspiring. I have been vegetarian and non vegetarian and have a kid with a bunch of allergies that has open the world to me in so many ways, please keep in mind that with change comes evolution, that every moment in life ask for transformation from us some times internal, sometime it comes in the way of meet. I think highly of you because you where able to make changes thinking in the welfare of your child rather than because you never changed a position about something. Please read on food and healing and you will find how as we are all so different the vegetarian diet is not for everyone!Take care

motherwho said...

I was so excited this morning to go into my google reader and see you had written another post. Please don't stop sharing your thoughts and ideas! I love reading your blog and the fact that you are going through some big changes only makes your experience more real. I know exactly what you mean about sharing opinions and then changing them, but that's life, we all grow and change and have different experiences which shape and mould us into the person we are in this moment. Everyone goes through this, and if we didn't, life would be fairly monotonous and our ideas bland and undernourished over time. Lots of kind thoughts to you! Lucy xx

Rhiannon said...

I totally agree with the lovely ladies above, most of us follow your blog, not because we want to read about a perfect life, but about an honest one.
We all have times in our lives where our thoughts change, and while I understand that yours have been dramatic changes for yourself and your family, i feel they are apart of growing our souls.
You have inspired me for a couple of years now, and just because things have changed in your life, don't think that myself and others are ever looking down on you.
Rhi x

Anonymous said...

Hi my name is Katrina. I follow and I enjoy but rarely comment...until now. I think so many of us can relate to how you feel. I personally remember my beliefs on things like women in abusive relationships until that was something I experienced (and am now blessedly free from). I remember my strong beliefs on parenting and then I became one. This list could go on. I am grateful that I experienced these dramatic changes in beliefs through experience. I give myself permission to change my mind. The things that these 'shocks to my system' have taught me are to practice non judgement in my beliefs, think more in shades of grey and feel more compassion, empathy and understanding. Things that I am deeply grateful for learning, and would never undo. Just like good wine we get better with age. We love your authentic self. Please banish your self doubt and keep singing the song in your heart. The world is a better place when you do. With peace & love, Katrina.

I am Lady Jay said...

I'm so pleased you wrote this. I think the key here is withholding judgement. judgement of ourselves and of others. I think Katrina hit the nail on the head: think more in shades of grey and feel more compassion, empathy and understanding. Please PLEASE don't stop sharing your stories. Teach us more about your ethical diet!

Meagan said...

Thank you all so much for taking the time to write such supportive words. I am definitely missing this community of online friends, encouragement and support! And I also just love writing... getting think=gs off my chest that I have been mulling over... I am going to try to make it a priority to write more often.

Thank you so much. xx m.

Rach said...

Life is change! And your views on vegetarians informed your views on becoming a meat eater again (ethical etc). Only the rigid are afraid to evolve, and you should be proud of yourself.

Anonymous said...

I also have really missed your blog entries lately. Long tome follower, first time poster. This entry was so inspirational. I feel like your voice has returned!. My husband and I recently became pescatarians - some fish, eggs but no dairy or meat. We've been this way for over a year now. I have been extremely exhausted lately, heavy periods, low iron, bad skin. I think I'm just doing this all wrong. But I just can't handle eating meat...we want to try having kids soon, but my doctor is concerned because of low iron etc so I went to have ultrasound today to check for fibroids...I guess what I'm saying is that I'm worried my diet will impact my fertility. But when I was talking to my naturoPath, I mentioned your blog and about your journey. I think I may now go back to eating meat if it will be the best choice at this point in time for my the future of my family. It will be so incredibly hard - but you have given me the courage to do this if I have to. You are a beautiful writer and I always look forward to your posts. Sending you love and positive vibes as you continue your incredible journey..

kristi said...

oh meagan. i find it quite beautiful the way you accepted what life had presented to you. being a mother is about compromising ourselves in ways we never see coming. it is about doing what is best for the entire family and that is exactly what you did, and i think you still have a strong voice to share. x

Angie said...

The journey is the interesting part anyway, yes? I enjoyed reading about your journey from vegetarianism through allergies to ethical meat, and would love to see where it goes next. But only when you're ready. Hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

Hello beautiful lady.
Ow I can't imagine how you feel, and understand your reasons for stopping. but regardless, your blog has been such a pleasure to read and like someone else said, it hasn't been about perfection - but enjoying your ideas and sharing in your slice of motherhood. I think everyone who reads has been given a gift from your sharing, I know I have on more then one occasion so THANK YOU from my heart to yours. I miss reading it so much!
But nothing is forever , life is full and things do change. Opinions, and directions. So it's all good :)
Hope your having a delightful time with your study, and hoping your beautiful family is thriving.
Big hugs, xxoo


Anonymous said...

PS Anonymous .. GREEN SMOOTHIES all the way :) It IS possible to be vegetarian, just need to figure out what your body needs. Get a blood test, see where your lacking and how you can support yourself. Look at India, a whole nation of vegetarians. I dont post this in any disrespect to your change Meagan, at all. I think we all do whats best for us in the now. Who knows, you may change again.. and even if not, whatever works. I love what someone said about growth and change, it goes hand in hand, we cant get stuck and be the way weve always been because thats how we were. Onwards an upwards!
much love.

Anonymous said...

I want to come back and apologies Meagan. After walking outside and sitting with your experiences whilst I was in my yard I realized my "advice giving" to the other reader in my second comments post is completely insensitive to your whole entry. Please delete. And sincerest apologies.

tricia said...

I admire the strength you showed in changing your mind on something that was clearly so important to you.

and what a beautiful piece of writing. i hope you find your voice again soon.

Meagan said...

Anon to Anon- No offence whatsoever taken. You didn't say anything wrong at all and I appreciate you voicing your opinion and offering valuable advice and insight in the comments. Thank you for your comment and support. xo m.

Meagan said...

Anon to Anon- No offence whatsoever taken. You didn't say anything wrong at all and I appreciate you voicing your opinion and offering valuable advice and insight in the comments. Thank you for your comment and support. xo m.

Nicole said...

I like your voice's always honest. And I understand your predicament. I too have found that the older I become, the less I voice my opinions. Maybe because they've become more hazy...there are more grey lines don't you think?

Things like the hardship you've been us to stay tenderhearted. And that is a beautiful thing.

I look forward to reading more of your inspiring posts. Blessings to you x

Emily said...

Wow, thankyou for sharing this. I have been vegetarian for about 13 years and my just-turned-2 year old has egg/dairy and soy allergies. So with my diet preferences that makes him essentially vegan. I am still breastfeeding so I also am essentially vegan for now (I still eat honey). I have an ongoing internal battle about his diet. I obviously don't need to explain any further about that to you. Do you feel you could share with me the ways you introduced meat at least to begin with? I don't even know how to cook meat to be honest! Where on earth did you start?

Meagan said...

I started with chicken. We roast a whole chicken and use that for a few meals and ten use all the bones to make a stock. Stocks are a great way to start. You can find a good butcher who sells meat you are comfortable with (ie. raised and killed to your standards) as he will give you bones usually for free. Stock is also the most nourishing. Let me know of you need more info. X

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